SABLE TROUBLE HUNTER – When It Rains It Pours CONTEST
In my little corner of the world, bad things come in threes. Anytime you hear that someone has died, everyone always wonders who the other two unlucky bastards will be. Ha! I’m not kidding; I’m as serious as a heart attack. With me, accidents and ill luck come in clumps. Once the malady hits, it stays with me for a while.
Just this week, I lost a computer. Yes, I was checking out a risqué site and I downloaded some pesky virus which informed me that the FBI was on my tail and I had to pay $300.00 or go to jail – go straight to jail. Well, I didn’t pay the $300.00 and I’m not in jail – yet. But I wouldn’t put it past my local sheriff’s department to come after me; I’m not exactly the most popular person in the county. I’m infamous. But no publicity is bad publicity. Right? But I didn’t really expect the FBI to come after me, I’ve been investigated by those rapscallions twice already – they know where I live.
Anyway, once my computer was on lockdown, I retrieved my little pink portable harddrive and inserted it into Jess’s work computer (which I confiscated) and the damn thing wouldn’t work. I couldn’t open nary a file. I NEARLY DIED! THUNDERBIRD AND SKYE BLUE WERE ON THAT COMPUTER!!!!!!! Now, to give myself some credit, I had most of THUNDERBIRD in emails that Ryan and I had been sending back and forth – but STILL!!!!!! I was not happy. That little pink harddrive wasn’t nearly as reliable as my little pink hard-driving jack rabbit. Ha!
Next, I find that there are problems with my audio book. It isn’t formatted correctly. So, now we are buying new equipment to work on it and I’m rethinking my process. Oh well, live and learn.
Abby Grace pooped in the floor, too – for good measure, I suppose.
But down to my main point, I’m not a lucky person. I fall. I trip. Of course, sometimes I’m bouncing on the bed and my mom always said I deserved to land on my head. If I’m speeding, I meet a cop. Of course, I have a way with cops. I drove a black Jaguar for several years and never put a front license plate on it because I didn’t want to ruin the looks of my S type. And that’s against the law in Texas. We can carry damn guns but we have to have a front license plate – I don’t get it.
I also wear extensions sometimes. I prefer the ones with beads in them, it sorta gives me an exotic Native American look except for when I put my head too far in the oven and they melt – all over the rest of my hair. Who knew synthetic hair was so sensitive? And don’t ask why I put my head in the oven!
I go in men’s restrooms a lot, not intentionally, I just go blank on the symbology. Those arrow signs – up and down are the worst and since my Uncle has bought a kilt, I am getting the skirt thing confused. But I have discovered that men don’t particularly care when you barge in – I had one ask me to ‘hold on and he’d be right with me’ – I laughed but I didn’t stay.
I have done crazy things in my time. I’m the one who got the microphone hung in her mouth and swallowed the bug while singing and was still singing when the bug crawled back up. And – oh yeah, I tried to take a laxative one night and I wormed myself with cat wormer instead.
But one of the worst things was when I was brushing my teeth. My toothbrush didn’t taste just right and afterwards I mentioned it to my brother and he says ‘didn’t you use your new toothbrush? I left you one in there.’ I said ‘no, I prefer my old toothbrush’. And he said ‘well, don’t use that one, I’ve been cleaning my tennis shoes with it!” BARF! GAG! BONK! I chased him all over the house with a bean bag pillow!
Oh, and I’ve locked myself out of the house on numerous occasion when there is no one around to help me and I’ve crawled back into the bathroom which all worked real well until I had my house renovated and we put in these narrow little decorative window and I got my big rump hung in one of them. Not cool, I just hung there for a while until I burned enough calories or gravity sorta won over and I kerflopped down.
Well, you might say – what’s your point? My point is that I don’t let these incidents go to waste. Whether it’s having a male in my family open my dildo delivery and chunk it across the yard, or befriending a wild skunk or telling my brother’s circumcision story – anything that happens in our family is fair game to go into a book. They say write what you know – so I do. My middle name is TROUBLE!
Not too long ago I was dyeing my hair outside on the porch – I like to try different colors. Usually by the time I’m through with my hair all of the cats are a darker shade of brown also. This time I had taken my beloved dog outside. There was crap going on that had me shook up and so I didn’t have good sense. When I got the dye on I went back in the house and Mojo wanted to go to Jess’s room, so I let him in there. And then promptly forgot about it. When the hour had passed and it was time to rinse the color out of my hair, I was in my shower and having a high heel ole’ time. When it hit me! (erroneously) I had left my beloved Mojo outside to be eaten by alligators or kidnapped by dognappers! So, I panicked! Literally. I ran out of the house. I ran out of the house – BUCK NAKED! And I was screaming at the top of my lungs. MOJO! MOJO! MOJO!
Then I heard Jess screaming – IDIOT! HE’S WITH ME! And he threw me a towel out the door. COVER UP BEFORE YOU’RE ARRESTED FOR INDECENT EXPOSURE! Well, I wasn’t arrested, but I did get a rousing round of applause from a few observant neighbors. This story made it into I’ll See You In My Dreams.
So, nothing goes to waste in my world. Not fantasies. Not sad things. Not funny things. So, be careful what you do around me – I’m watching – I’ll write about you!!!
Tell me a funny trouble story of yours and I’ll pick a winner for a 10.00 amazon gift certificate at 10 pm central time tonight.
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